Weathering in the Vastness

January 23, 2023

Bromley Farm Storage Barn, Photo by Arena Heidi January 2023

This barn belongs to one of my closest neighbors and is part of their 600 acre dairy farm. I fell in love with them and their farm and land. The picture captures some metaphoric and literal essence of where I am at right now.

My husband and I bought a house in a beautiful location 1.5 hours north and west of where we used to live. Details about our home came to me in dreams before we had even been to the area. Though it was love at first sight with the land surrounding us, our home itself is quite humble and came with multiple issues. We have dealt with some of the problems but still have a long ways to go. We work exceptionally hard to resolve a challenge, only to have another crest in its wake. Two weeks ago, Denny fell and injured his leg badly. Healing is slow and he has been unable to do the extensive physical labor that living here entails. My ego rebels under the crushing weight of the endless work and issues. But surprisingly, and in contrast, some inner knowing (or is it unknowing?) deepens and strengthens.

I did not realize it until this move, but I have lived my entire life within small, safe, familiar domains. I had no idea how small and contained I kept myself until I entered the unknown and unfamiliar. My entire life has changed and it is at once exhilarating and terrifying. Vastness surrounds me now and emerges from within. I must learn how to navigate all this spacious terrain. How to center in internal and external wilderness and feel at home. How to find comfort in a vast unknown and the goodness of not knowing exactly where and who I am anymore. I open to each situation as it arises, listening and feeling for ways to move with it. A deep trust somehow emerges from stepping forward into each precarious challenge, each vulnerable fear. With each step, I am compelled into situations over my head and outside of my skill set. But really I have no choice. My safe contained past has disappeared. It is no longer there to return to.

I float now in the vast and unpredictable and feel overwhelmed. But when I stay open to all of it, life remains kind and good. I feel you as part of this kindness and goodness. And I thank you in advance for the support you offer in reading my words and perhaps being moved to respond. Forgive me for not having time to catch up with your posts. Usually winter brings blessed downtime. But this winter I have more to tend to than before. From a mental perspective, my life feels undeniably difficult, yet some inarticulable goodness runs through it all, even the hardship. I feel grateful to be alive and grateful for new opportunities that cloak themselves in challenge. Life does not unfold according to my ego’s plans or expectations. But I bow to this vastness that moves us all. My prayers that you also feel this good ground of being as it percolates through you and all things. No matter your difficulties, the vast good space brings wellbeing and peace.

I composed this post to tell friends and followers on Instagram about my move and long absence.
Click here to view the post and comments there.