The Unexpected Value of Failure

Number 5 from Drawing into Trauma: A Seascape Arises from the Wreck

When making my Drawing into Trauma Series of 111 images, I did not reject any work or toss out mistakes. Healing entailed being with the neglected, abandoned parts of myself, so accepting uncomfortable pieces, facilitated inner reconciliation. However, when I was young, I regularly destroyed my artwork.

For example, in high school I made clunky pottery that I judged harshly as not good, not worthy. I found it cathartic to throw the pots out the second story window of my dorm room. They were so heavy that they didn't break! Inevitably someone would find them and bring them back in. I then relished tossing them out again. Sometimes a pot was found by someone who loved it and brought it home. So redemption and humor arose out of my desire to purge imperfection. These pots would be endearing to me now. I've learned to make good use of clunky mistakes. Failure is much too valuable to toss out the window!

When I made this particular drawing, I had no idea that I was beginning a healing series that would take over two years to complete. My subconscious orchestrated the connectedness of the work and its poignant themes, while my conscious mind remained skeptical and disbelieving. My mind thought that wildly scribbled mark making would fail to turn into anything meaningful.

For example, this drawing began as a heavy mess that appeared to lack redeeming attributes. I wanted to throw it out. But instead I did not give up on it. I left it hanging on the wall. I embraced the uncomfortableness of its failure. And it was uncomfortable! I looked at it for weeks, without fixing it. I simply absorbed its imperfection. Gradually, my perception of its chaos changed. Failure became acceptable, less heavy and hard. Eventually, a mysterious insight emerged to cut the drawing into a circle. Then when I rotated the circle 90 degrees, a seascape magically appeared. The failed piece transformed into a composition with perspective. It felt empowering to remain with failure, until it morphed into unexpected coherence.

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