Simple Acts of Love for Oneself

Instinctively, we know how to engage in unconditionally loving action for our children, and other people that we care for intimately. We learn our loved one's idiosyncrasies, and the specific things that we can do to meet their needs. Unconditionally loving actions are especially apparent, when caring for those who are most vulnerable, such as a young child, a person with significant handicaps, a beloved pet, or someone close to dying. Care-taking actions that fulfill basic needs, offer an especially direct way to provide loving care, as do soothing gestures like holding, stroking, hugging, and kissing.

Most of us however, have been conditioned to ignore or downplay our own daily needs and vulnerabilities. It can be exceptionally challenging to recognize and fulfill our own basic needs for unconditional love and care, especially when faced with a lifetime of unmet needs and accumulated trauma. Many people find it hard to direct simple acts of loving kindness towards themselves. And furthermore, we often don't even know how to meet those needs in ourselves. Gestures of love, such as hugging and kissing, which we effortlessly offer to another, fall flat when offered to ourselves. Yet, there exist equivalent nurturing actions, which can be offered to yourself instead. Taking the time to discover which actions offer you this kind of emotional support, and then dedicating yourself to persistently doing those things, may heal and transform your life.

For a long time I had known that it was important to love yourself. I spent a great many years working on self-love and compassion. Eventually, I felt as though I developed a good foundation of love and empathy for myself, and no longer needed to focus directly upon it. But then when I began to listen to my body, and dedicate time to simple acts of self-care, an entirely new level of self-love opened up. It made the healthy foundation of love that I had cultivated, seem quite pale in comparison. I didn't truly know what real love for myself was, until I began investing countless little actions into it.

These small actions of love of which I am speaking, express an embodiment of presence, a feeling of being fully here with oneself in the moment. Without realizing it, I had been emotionally abandoning myself throughout my life. With many physical health issues, I had been unintentionally undermining my body and thus myself. I would feel frustration and resentment towards my body, for being sick or in pain. Once I recognized the degree to which I was acting against myself, I made a commitment to no longer treat my body in this way. I made a clear decision to no longer abandon myself. I now have a strong willingness to fully show up and be supportive. Of course the irony here is that we can not escape from ourselves anyhow. So essentially the choice is to continue to fight against oneself, or to rally the energy to be present instead.

I have found that the most powerful gestures of presence are ones where you do not even need to feel loving towards yourself. The gesture itself conveys the feeling of love. For me personally, physically touching and holding the wounded parts of my body, opens this space of unconditional love. When offering this healing touch to myself, I don't try to be or feel loving. I simply welcome whatever it is that I am feeling. Sometimes the thoughts and emotions that arise are even the antithesis of love! Yet, it turns out that the kind gesture of holding is enough. Over time, unconditional love emerges as a side benefit, a by-product. You do not have to try and generate love, or muster loving feelings for your body or self. The act of being present, and the gestures themselves, convey and then gradually embed the feelings of love and support in your body. Daily actions expressing holding and support, are palpable reminders that you are here and you care. Emotional and physical pain are held and respected. Over time, these actions cultivate a sense of feeling protected, nurtured, and safe.

I had inherited a legacy of criticism, low self-esteem, and emotional abandonment from my mother and grandmother. As a child I learned to escape to my mind, and then as an adult I learned to spiritually transcend my circumstances. But eventually I recognized that the spiritual transcendence, even though it felt great, was a kind of avoidance. Now, instead of trying to escape or transcend, I face and meet the challenges that life offers me. When circumstances stimulate old trauma or destabilize me in some way, I have the ability to stay with the sensations of trauma, until my body returns to an equilibrium of comfort, safety, and well-being. For someone with lifelong trauma and abandonment issues, this skill is one of enormous benefit. It took time and effort to cultivate this ability, but the results have paid back far more than I expected or even thought possible.

Over time, the feeling of being held and supported has gradually permeated all aspects of my life. I discovered other actions besides holding that also convey unconditional support. I learned how to hold myself in different kinds of situations. Specific acts that convey love may be unique to a particular person and situation. For you too, the action of holding may be crucial, but perhaps not. There may be other actions that are more necessary or foundational to your well-being. You have to know yourself and your body intimately, in order to discover which actions are most relevant for you.

Many of us have spent our lives trying to find someone else to be present for us, and meet our needs. I've done that. After many years and hard work, I have sustained a long-term relationship with a partner who shows up for me, and helps to fulfill my needs. I receive much healing and joy from this relationship, and value it tremendously. But I had been unconsciously looking to my partner, to fulfill too much. It is valuable to receive support from others, but not as a replacement for the care that we need to provide for ourselves. Unconsciously, I had been trying to complete and heal myself through others. But through self-presence, I discovered that we already are whole. Everything is held within wholeness, even feelings of being damaged or incomplete.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, one cultivates a willingness to be here, simply for the sake of being here. We mistakenly emphasize that life is about getting somewhere and achieving something. But in actuality, each moment of life is equal and important. This moment IS your life. Once you recognize and value ordinary moments, you show up and receive what is happening, to the best of your ability. Our degree of presence will vary tremendously, due to our state of mind or level of energy. Perfect presence is not necessary – just the attempt to do what you can, given each circumstance. When trauma is stimulated, it may be too difficult to stay fully present in that moment. However afterward, you may offer yourself the support that you need.

The kindness of presence eventually allows old wounds to heal. Presence is not a thing to be achieved. It is simply the willingness to be here, the willingness to perpetually return to your body, this moment, and life. One cultivates a willingness to be present with whatever shows up, regardless of whether or not you like it, regardless of how it makes you feel. Eventually one discovers that this presence is unconditional love, and that being present and receiving this love composes the essence of your life. Presence communicates that this moment in all its beauty and messiness is good enough, that all parts of yourself are welcome and good enough, and that well-being does abound.